The Juliet Guide

This is a copy of the desi Juliet guide by Sudipta Chatterjee, albeit a little modified and edited.

This document may be copied and reproduced freely, except for commercial purposes, provided you mention the source of its first publication here at this URL: http://sudiptachatterjee.blogspot.com/2007/11/desi-juliet-guide.html

The original post was intended to categorize the Juliets at US universities but I find it true in the Indian context as well.

No categories in this post are fictional, any resemblance to any of the categories is not a coincidence, it is purely intentional. You are allowed to take offence but grumbling about the offence is not encouraged. If you are worried that your delicate female sensibilities might be hurt, go on, a little hurt never hurts.


THE BALLERINA (Julietofus Dansicus)
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Ever since she ventured out shook her leg at the freshers’ induction party and got complimented by the slimy groper, she believes that she has got the best moves since Nadia Comaneci herself. Waves off all compliments about her dancing skills with an artistic hand, but is always pleased secretly. Signs up for Salsa classes at the university and drags along some hapless father figure for company, but soon ditches him and fancies the hunky blonde bloke there who she never gets to be a 'partner' with. Gives out free dancing tips to anyone who cares to listen, which always subtly leads to the conclusion about how good she is at dancing! Usually has a fair amount of success in attracting people of the opposite sex, although sometimes gets mistaken for the fast one.


THE SNOBFACE (Julietofus Pedigree-ius)
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The total number of words uttered by her since you met her can be noted on the backside of an envelope. Walks with her nose permanently up in the air, and somehow considers it below her dignity to talk any extra sentence with anyone. Needless to say, beyond the circle of friends who need to interact with her in her class, she doesn't end up with much male attention. Even the desperate ones who venture to chat her up usually get the terse monosyllabic replies and 'get' the message. Sometimes she is confused with the ultra cautious variety (see below), but she gives out a distinct cold stare that is different from the deer in headlight stare associated with the other one.


MOTHER MARY (Julietofus Matronus)
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Whoever said reincarnations aren't possible obviously never knew of Florence Nightingale or this variety of juliets. People tend to remember her whenever they need money. Her purse strings open even when the guys' dogs die back home. Usually her living room has trouble accommodating pictures of all the 3 million gods and goddesses, and she defines very strict boundaries for all forms of shoes or sandals about the door. Has perfected all dishes her mother knew, and therefore is usually a sure invite to any pot luck dinner party. Always lightly chastises her friends about their homework, their health, and why they should pray to God daily. People seem to magically disappear from her house right after the lunch or dinner even though they promise that they are stepping out to take an urgent call.


CATWOMAN (Julietofus Amoramus)
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A flirt of the first order, her dreams of meeting a prince charming disappear as soon as she encounters bulging potbellies of seniors. Gives out free hugs to almost anyone at every occasion, and nobody minds the occasional dirty joke which she cracks in select company. Smiles at guys to get rides to the local grocery store, and always has two or three guys just a phonecall away when she goes to the local Taco Bell to eat. Guys sometimes mistake her to be a fast one, but pretty soon realize that she is just in it for "fun" and is not willing to go to any base. She usually has a huge fan following, much to the envy of the other girls.


THE CHATTERBOX (Julietofus Blabberifus)
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Whenever she walks into any group of friends, she always assumes that they have all been dying to listen to what has been happening in either her second cousin's boyfriend's or Shahrukh Khan's life. Consequently, she proceeds to enlighten everyone with the details excitedly, and more background knowledge and forecasts are available on demand. The guys gradually learn this and suddenly seem to crave for strong coffee as soon as she shows up at the table. Excluding the real desperate ones, therefore, she doesn't have much luck in getting the guys' attention, and usually ends up blabbering to those unfortunate ones she catches at the library common discussion area. Always wonders aloud why there's enough time to do her work, and wonders to herself why the 'cute' guy is so fidgety and looking at his watch so often when she visits him during his 2 hours of office during the week.


UBER-GIRLY (Julietofus Pansipus)
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The emoticons on Yahoo came as a blessing for this kind, who had to resort to the LOLs and ROTFLs of yore. Spends most of her time online catching up with all friends in India or at other universities, and she knows all the shortcuts to the emoticons by heart. Can type faster than anyone can speak, and amazingly keeps up with 4 different chat windows simultaneously while she types her report for the assignment. She conspires with the others of her kind and/or the chatterboxes imagining relationships among people who have been spotted hanging out together more than once. Always dresses in some variety of pink, and goes coochie-coo over anything that remotely qualifies as cute, including book covers; but shrieks whenever she spots a cricket from a furlong away. Visits the beauty salon at least once every fortnight, and is the primary customer of the local CVS where she gets her moisturizers and facial creams. Always wonders why the guys don't do things the Mills and Boons way, and why she remains a 'friend' friend for everyone.


BASANTI (Julietofus Rusticus)
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India went global and exported this variety as the symbol of desi village culture and tradition. She turned up wearing anklets on the first day at school, and has learned since then that bizzare shining yellow and orange salwar kameez-es don't really need those jewelry to draw extra attention. Switches into her dehati accent in the middle of a conversation suddenly, and is not bothered at all about the people staring into her face blankly. Manages to accompany everyone who goes anytime to the local Walmart or Sears garment stores "for just window-shopping", and somehow finds the most gawdy and fluorescent colors to take back home.


THE ULTRA FEMINIST (Julietofus Sultanus)
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God help the person who dares crack a joke in front of this female. She interprets every remark, gesture and sentence with caution, and isn't afraid to pick a fight if she whiffs anything misogynistic there. Having waged a lone battle against all roadside romeos and the scoffing guys and uncles back home, any person whose stare lingers for that extra second has unlimited audio input for pretty much the rest of his day. She is disappointed to find that the greek sororities are only for undergrads, but promptly signs up for all convocations and gatherings of women in her field. The fact that the primary focus of these meetings isn't male bashing disappoints her and she takes the onus upon herself to see that adequate justice is served in the world.


FIRANGI PHASAYA (Julietofus Oversea-us)
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The sum of all fears of the Indian parents when they send their daughters here comes true in this form: when there appears an American boyfriend. Whether or not she's "done it", the general spate of rumours surrounding her ensure that she cuts off bonds with the general desi junta. Soon develops the slurr in her accent and says "like" at every opportunity. She prefers to eat lettuce and pork sandwiches instead of parathas, and goes out with her buddies to "eat Indian" sometimes. The last nail on the coffin, literally, is featured when her parents notice the 'piercing' on her navel in one of the many photos she sends home.


ULTRA CAUTIOUS (Julietofus Cherry-pickus)
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This variety is the complete opposite of the firebrand feminist in her reaction to the male species. She interprets all emails as hidden mating calls, always double-checks and cross checks her books when returned from her classmates looking for hidden chits containing 'explicit' messages. She also popularizes a classic deer-in-headlight stare since the time she is asked out for coffee by a guy. As a rule, she never gives her number out to anyone unless asked thrice, and then any call after 9:00 p.m. inevitably lands in her voice mailbox. Any guy is surprised to see her pics from girls-only parties because they thought the scowl on her face was natural and permanent.


MISS BIRDBRAINS (Julietofus Pinheadus)
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Around this kind, you get the feeling that the university admission process is indeed random. She is perpetually lost in the campus, and defines her day by the number of times she tripped and fell that day. Habitually loses her purse, her shoes or mobile phone in the campus and becomes friends with the folks at the lost and found. She ends up choosing the courses for her semester where her best friend goes, and blames everyone else for her poor grades in the subject. She's also spotted frequently at the 'wrong' parties, gets to go to the 'wrong' movies with the guys, and ends up at the 'wrong' sections of the campus during the 'wrong' hours. She can't keep track of her money, and spends 200$ for an iPod without battling an eyelid but thinks thrice before she spends 5$ for her lunch. She laments continually to her 'best' friends why she doesn't have a boyfriend, and everyone around her is relieved when her parents find someone back home for her, finally.


THE ROUND ONE (Julietofus Slimmifus)
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The extra pound of flesh that she carries is a constant source of whining for the round one. She loves to play spoilsport and not eat anything oily when she goes out to eat with her friends. However, her fridge remains stashed with chocolate milk and cheese, which of course she munches on as part of the midnight snack. Her trips to the gym consist of 15 minutes of walking on the treadmill while eyeing the blonde guys, and that too is discontinued after the first 7 days of the semester.


VEGGIE DELITE (Julietofus herbivorous)
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The only 'bone' she has to pick with everyone who eats non-vegetarian. The otherwise quiet person suddenly grimaces when people order chicken or fish at a fast food joint. She considers any non-vegetarian to be Satan's neighbor, and firmly believes that constant nagging will definitely rid the said person of his 'Satanic' habits. Anyone who dares ask her why milk is vegetarian whereas an egg is non-vegetarian is doomed to be labeled an atheist. The kind of love she reserves for the actual atheists is the stuff legends are made of. God makes sure, in the interest of his other creations on earth, that she weds a vegetarian husband.


THE TAKEN ONES (Julietofus long-distancus)
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The percentage of girls who arrive with an existing relationship belong to this category. A rare few come with boyfriends in the same univ in a different department. These mix around fairly amicably with the rest of the folks. The next variety have their boyfriends somewhere in the US: either working or in some other university. All minutes after 9:00 are spent by her talking to her boyfriend on the phone, and her friends and room-mates gradually learn to adjust their timings accordingly. The last kind are the most extreme: their boyfriends are left behind in India and she suddenly discovers the marvels of technology in the form of google talk and yahoo messenger. Out of sight out of mind, fights from long distances, permanent silent treatment... lets just leave it at that.


THE PRETENDER(Julietofus Posericus)
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Unlike the Foo Fighters song, she has the depth of a puddle of water.She can verily spout the names of movies and popular literature, making a would-be-Romeo believe in the adage of soul mates.However with a bit of cross-questioning and in depth conversations, she shatters his hopes.She might proclaim she loves Metallica, but her heart belongs to certain boys who croon in backstreets and peppy adolescent singers of infinite romances.She probably is the most attractive girl in her group and therefore is most of the time found to be surrounded by lesser Juliets.However, she is an important ally to have on one's side as she and her posse have enough contacts to bail one out of a sticky wicket.


THE BRAINIAC (Julietofus geekipus)
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She is probably the stream topper or most likely the university topper.If ever observed during her formative years at junior school and college she can be seen terrorizing teachers and fellow mates for that elusive 0.5 mark, so as to retain her 1st Rank.If in a good state of mind she can be approached to explain that elusive theorem or problem.Faculty are usually seen fawning over her, and she suffers from a case of intellectual dysentery during viva-voce examinations.She is the best bet in one's project group and a fine template for answers in case one ends up a seat behind her during exams.If pestered enough, i.e.

On a side note, geekipus, may also include the very elusive gamer chick/metal head/or Asimov fanatic.If found, please report to the proper authorities for inclusion into the Red List.


SKELETOR (Julietofus nazgulata)
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Contrary to Slimmifus who eats her feelings, she doesn't eat anything.A Romeo who has sprung a decent amount to take her out to a water hole ends up feeling like a gorging pig as she only champs on salads.To stump the poor fellow she may ask if cold water burns more calories than tap water.Oh Romeo, if faced by the question of "Am I fat", RUN.Else, pretend to choke on your own tongue and hope that Mother Earth pulls a Sita retrival on your desperate soul.She makes for one heck of an arm-candy and is the bane of slimy gropers.